Bum Notes, or Trying To Record The Perfect Version Of That Song You've Written

At the beginning of Beckett’s Endgame, Clov announces: Finished. It’s… nearly finished. It must be nearly finished.

It isn’t clear to what exactly the character is referring, but I like to think that at least one of Beckett’s points is about the agony of trying to complete a creative project. For me, Clov is stepping back from a painting he’s toiled over for years. What starts as certainty – Finished – collapses swiftly into doubt and indecision: It must be nearly finished. If you’ve ever made a piece of art, you’ll have shared a little of his pain, I suspect.

I make up pop songs. (To speak of ‘writing’ pop songs can sound a little too self-important, so ‘make up’ will have to do.) The making up of the lyrics, sung melody, chord structure and arrangement – that is, the parts for the instruments to play – is often quite easy, and almost always rather satisfying. If I were to stop at that point in the process, it would save me an awful lot of frustration and disappointment. But of course, for various pragmatic reasons, I feel the need for there to be a recorded version of the song.

That’s when the trouble begins. The musical possibilities are endless, which means… decisions, horrifying decisions – both artistic and technical. The other problem is that the potential for mistakes (literally miss-takes, in this case) is huge. The result: trying to capture the song as it exists in your original intention is pretty a much a self-inflicted method of torture, guaranteed to cause pain.

I want to consider two possible explanations for the problem of the version of the song that you’ve recorded never quite being the version.

Firstly, let’s say there’s such a thing as Plato’s realm of Perfect Forms. Your three-minute pop song exists in this realm, outside of space and time, acting as a blueprint for the version you’re recording so ineptly in the flesh and blood world. But it seems quite a stretch to claim that ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ or indeed ‘Stairway To Heaven’ really exist in such a domain.

So how about we say instead that each interval used in your song (major third, minor seventh, etc) exists in a Platonic realm. That might explain why a note that’s a bit sharp or flat sounds wrong to you; it simply isn’t close enough to the Platonic Form of that interval. And couldn’t there also be a Platonic Form for the time signature 4:4, and perhaps even for the idea of rhyming words, and so on. That is, couldn’t the building blocks of your song exist as universals outside space and time?

Ok, so it’s still quite a stretch. I suspect most modern folk will find it much easier to go along with some version of a Humean or Kantian view. That is, the notion of, say, a perfect major third is a feature of human nature, and/or is rooted in our particular perceptual and cognitive apparatus. In short, on this view, being able to hear a bum note is a sensibility, and a particularly human one at that.

Either way, you’re left with the problem of trying to nail the perfect version of your song. Of course you can fix the timing and tuning digitally if you want to, but then your production can start to sound lacking in some other way. And you’ve probably only got this one chance to produce the song. (Even if you try to re-record the song for your greatest hits album in five years’ time, it’s still the original version that people will remember.) So you agonise over small decisions that seem hugely significant, at least when you’re in the midst of finishing – or nearly finishing – your production: is that note a touch flat, is that English horn part a bit too loud in the mix? Onwards and downwards. It must be nearly finished. Right? Madness follows, at least temporarily.

It’s enough to make you do a Bill Drummond and abandon the pursuit of recorded music altogether. At least with gigging there’s no expectation that the audience is going to hear some definitive version of the song.

Painting the metal legs of a garden table using Hammerite

I picked up this garden table second hand on Ebay and it just needed a little refurbishment.

I rubbed three coats of teak oil into the wooden parts.  Teak oil is cheap and non toxic to work with.  You just rub it on with an old rag.

The metal legs were basically sound but a bit rusty. Because the legs are galvanised metal, I applied one coat of Hammerite primer, which is quite runny but goes on really nicely. You can't put top coat straight onto galvanised metal, so don't be tempted to skip the primer.

I then finished with two coats of Hammerite Straight To Rust Paint in a mice blue-grey colour they call Wild Thyme.  It was pretty gluey as I applied it and quite hard to work with, but the end result was absolutely fine, especially for an outdoor item.

Here are a few pics of the whole process and the end result.  The primer is the red paint.

About to order something from Habitat? Wait and save!

I like the design of quite a lot of the stuff Habitat sells, but I do think their prices have crept up in the last couple of years. That might be the reason that they can now afford to offer a generous discount code about three or four times a year, with the reduction usually at either 25% or even 30%. The deal usually only runs for 24 hours though, so you have to keep an eye out for it and then act fast.

This is my kind of “sale” because it means you can grab that item you’ve had your eye on for a while, rather than being limited to selected sale stock that didn’t shift the first time around.

So if you’re planning a big (or even not so big) Habitat purchase, my advice is to wait for the discount code to come around, if you can. I wanted their solid ash Tatsuma bed, but I held off until the deal came up and as a result saved £105 on the £350 list price. That easily covers the delivery charge and more.

You could sign up to their mailing list so that you're in the know as soon as the next deal comes up.

Happy shopping… and waiting.

My home recording set-up and gear list

I write and produce songs in my home studio. I usually play/program all the parts myself, and I find that you can get a nice sounding end result by blending real instruments with virtual ones. A few people have asked about the gear and software I use, so here goes:

iMac (about four years old) running Logic Express – I’ve never felt the need to upgrade to Logic Pro. Typically one of my songs might have around 20 different tracks, and the iMac is almost always able to cope – touch wood!

Apple Mainstage - a cheap download that gets you lots of extra instruments and sounds.

An Alesis USB midi keyboard, plugged straight into the iMac.

An SE2200A microphone – this is a great mic, on a long-term loan to me from a generous friend. Apparently it was Amy Winehouse's favourite mic.

A Behringer Tube UltraGain 100 mic pre-amp – this boosts, warms and slightly compresses the signal from the mic. I use it very sparingly, leaving plenty of room to work with the vocal later on in Logic.

A Roland UA-1G audio interface. Effective, simple to use and a bargain… but they don’t make them anymore. You might find one on eBay.

Yamaha HS50M powered studio monitors (70w) – these are designed to be very frequency-flat (but they’re still lovely to listen to music on), so you can hear what you’ve got rather than what a pair of hi-fi monitors tries to flatter you into hearing. But… most people don’t listen to music on frequency-flat studio monitors, so you must check your mix by listening through something a bit more mundane too.

Audio-Technika ATHM-50 headphones – again, these are designed to tell it like it is, frequency-wise.

A cheap bog-standard electric guitar.

A tambourine and a shaker – very useful for adding life and human-ness to a track that’s mostly sequenced.

A Roland Juno-D keyboard – nice, and surprisingly lightweight, but only really gets used for gigging.

My voice and songwriting prowess!

How to get rid of that hiss and hum noise in your home studio (especially if you think it’s being caused by your audio interface)

I write songs and multi-track record them in my home studio using Apple Logic. Recently, I introduced a new audio interface into my equipment set-up. (An audio interface is a box of technology that converts sound input (e.g. from a microphone) into a digital form that a computer can handle.)

*I’ll add a pic here of my audio interface in situ.*

My new audio interface is a Roland UA-1G. Setting it up was easy and it was working fine… except that now there was a weird humming noise from my monitors (speakers), a bit like the “white noise” of a TV. This had never happened before, and seemed to be a disaster. The noise rendered my whole system unusable. The hiss was always present, but got louder every time I touched the mouse or keyboard. Pretty infuriating.

It took a couple of hours of Googling to narrow down the likely problem. It seemed I had unwittingly introduced an electrical issue into my system – something called a “ground loop”. I still don’t understand exactly what that means, but I don’t need to.

I then spent more time hunting for a product that would solve my problem without costing too much. I read loads of reviews of various products, and finally chose the Behringer Micro HD 400 Hum Destroyer. All you need to know is – it works. I cabled the Behringer into my system (it basically goes between your computer and your monitors) and the hum disappeared. Phew.

I hope this post helps you to diagnose your hum problem and fix it swiftly.

How to get a free print copy of the Guardian newspaper every day

Apply for a free MyWaitrose “loyalty” card (in-store or online) and you can pick up a copy of the Guardian each day (including the Saturday Guardian and the Observer) for free at any Waitrose. There’s a £5 minimum spend (or £10 at weekends), but this amount includes the cost of the newspaper itself. A weekday Guardian is currently £1.60, so you only need to buy £3.40 worth of goods and your newspaper is free.

I tend to pick up a few groceries every day (rather than doing a big weekly shop) so I easily earn myself a free Guardian most days. I guess it’s not an item I would buy otherwise (you can read it for free online, after all) but it’s a nice little daily luxury.

How to overcome public speaking nerves

I’ve been teaching (adults) for nearly 15 years, but I still get nervous sometimes when I’m due to address a large audience, especially if I haven’t spoken to them before. It tends to be worse when they’re peers and colleagues rather than students.

Here are three tips to help if you’re facing the same issue:

1 – Prepare and practise your presentation as much as possible beforehand.

2 – Start by asking the audience a question and listening to the response of one or two individuals. This gives you a chance to get used to the room and to control your breathing. It also reminds you that what you’re about to do is have a conversation, albeit a conversation with a lot of people in which you’ll be doing most of the talking!

3 – Speak slowly. This makes you sound less nervous straight away. It also gives people a chance of absorbing the information you’re presenting.

Once you get going, it’s usually easier than you think it’s going to be. And, as with so many things, the more often you do it, the more comfortable you’ll feel about it… so start volunteering yourself for those presentations!

Making perfect coffee with the pour-over method

Until a couple of years ago, I thought the only simple way to make good fresh coffee was to use a cafetiere. But then on a visit to the wonderful Monmouth Coffee in Covent Garden I noticed that they use the pour-over method… and the end result is delicious, as well as being really smooth in texture and completely free of grounds.

You’ll need a ceramic filter holder. Monmouth sells them, but they’re cheaper at the Algerian coffee store on Old Compton Street.

The paper filters aren’t expensive and they’re available at most supermarkets.

Pour boiling water into your mug first to heat it; this makes a big difference to how hot your coffee will be. Discard that water and then place the filter holder on top of your mug and insert a filter paper. I like to use two dessert spoons’ worth of ground coffee and add water that’s just off the boil. Try to use a (careful) swirling motion as you pour the water onto the ground coffee. The coffee will inflate a little and then subside as the water drains through, and then you’ll probably need to add a little more water.

The used filter paper and used coffee makes a neat package to throw away or add to your composting. Much easier than cleaning out a cafetiere.

I hope you enjoy your coffee made this way.

Sorry, fruit flies, you have to go

I’ve had house plants for years and never a fruit fly in sight. Then one day these little beasts were all over my plants, especially my spider plants. A Google search threw up several suggested remedies, some of which sounded a lot of hassle – who really wants to wash their plants in bleach?

My strategy was to start with the easiest solution first and work up the list from there. Luckily for me (and hopefully for you) the first solution I tried worked. I left my plants outside overnight - making sure to do this when a frost wasn’t expected - and in the morning the fruit flies were gone.

I almost miss them now. Almost.

Cut down your contractual working week from 5 days to 4 days… without losing 20% of your pay

In my team at work a few months ago, the opportunity arose for one of us to reduce from being employed five days to just four days, if we wanted to. This would mean a shift from being required to work 35 hours to being required only to work 28 hours, with an accompanying 20% cut in gross pay, of course.

It wasn’t an easy decision. On the one hand, I have lots of interests and projects outside of work that I usually feel I don’t have enough time for, like making music. On the other hand, there are lots of interesting opportunities at work, and you can’t really say yes to them all when you’re working part-time.

Everyone’s situation is different, and I appreciate that some people can’t afford to go part-time, but that’s what I decided to do. I’m fortunate to be at a stage where I don’t have a mortgage anymore, and I live a reasonably simple life that doesn’t necessitate a huge income.

One of the deciding factors for me was the realisation that a 20% drop in gross pay (i.e. before tax) doesn’t mean a 20% drop in take-home pay. In fact, I’m only about 17% worse off. This is because UK taxation works on a sliding scale: the first chunk of your earnings are tax-free, then you pay a certain percentage of tax on the next block of your pay, and a higher proportion on the next block. Dropping from five days to four meant I was effectively shifting most of my pay into the zero and lower-rate tax bands.

I’m happy with my new work-life arrangement. I try to be as productive as possible on my “day off”, because I can see in my pay exactly how much it costs me to have that day to myself. I use the time to get on with my own projects: things I wouldn’t be able to do just in a lunchbreak or that I would be too tired to do at the end of a working day. But when the sunshine aligns itself with my day off, I do sometimes allow myself a couple of hours in the garden with a book and a coffee… and that’s worth every penny.

Exhibition posters are a fraction of the price of lithographic prints

Last year I bought an Art Fund pass, which meant I could get entry to lots of major art exhibitions at 50% off the full price, or – in some cases – for free. I’m a little fickle about visual art - my favourite artist tends to be whichever one I last saw exhibited. I fall in love with one or two images at each exhibition and then want to own them and be able to decorate my home with them.

But a lithographic print at a reasonable size (around A2 or above) can be as much as £200, which is a lot of money to me. Plus, I’m not sure that these prints hold their value particularly well – I noticed there was a run of Ravilious lithographs being stocked by various high-end retailers a couple of years ago, and they didn’t exactly fly off the shelves (even though Ravilious’s work is wonderful, of course). The answer, for me, is to buy exhibition posters instead. They’re usually around £6 and a standard A2 size, which means you can pop your poster into an affordable off-the-peg frame from somewhere like Ikea, Habitat or John Lewis. 

I guess not everyone wants the name of the gallery and exhibition emblazoned across the artwork, but I rather like it – the layout and typography is usually pretty classy, and the whole thing acts as a nice reminder of having seen the show.

Here’s an exhibition poster from a show I saw last year and loved. It hangs in my living room and gladdens my heart daily.

How to hide an ugly fence... quite quickly

What can you do to cover up an ugly bare new fence? I was faced with this problem a few months ago.

The fence between me and my neighbour was badly in need of replacing and she had kindly offered to arrange to have the work done. My side of the fence was smothered in ivy; I’d planted it 16 years before and hadn’t imagined it would grow so big, or that I would still be living in the same house all that time later. The ivy was really out of control – it needed a “haircut” every two weeks in summer – and there’s no way the fence could have been replaced without ripping out the growth anyway. So I cleared it all, which took a couple of afternoons, and then the fence was replaced.

The new fence comprised creosote orange panels set between concrete posts. Not exactly a thing of beauty! I knew I would be depressed if I had to look at it for too long, so I needed climbing plants that would smother it fairly quickly but without being as rampant as the ivy. I chose a clematis montana and a honeysuckle. I bought plants of a decent size from my local nursery, paying about £12 for each. (In the past I’ve used those £2.99 climbing plants you get from supermarkets in the UK – they’re great value, but very small. I think you save yourself at least a year of growing time by spending a few pounds more.)

My new plants went into the ground in November 2014, and of course there wasn’t much sign of life initially. But now – in April 2015 – they’re really starting to scramble up the trellis I installed for them. They must have spent the winter putting down some good roots.

In just another year or two, they’ll have caught up with some climbers I planted a few years ago on the opposite side of the garden.

And look, the orangeness does fade after a couple of years!